Here & Now


May 28, 2010 by Janna Roznos

I have a lot of work to do today- and even some sewing, too.  However, I have no gumption to do any of it.  I am currently working on the  third event  for a non-profit and I am tired of it: tired of the responsibility, tired of tasks involved getting to the finish line (so it were!) and more than anything, I am tired of being a volunteer. Granted two different non-profits are involved.    It is not as if my effort is not appreciated – I know that it is, but I just don’t enjoy it anymore.  Volunteering should have its own rewards (not monetary) but fulfilling on a different level.  For some it maybe spiritual (that’s not me) or just rewarding for the task at hand that is done and done well.  I feel like I am just dragging through all of this and have no energy to complete what needs to be done. My enthusiasm is at an all time low – of course, as I sit here and write this, perhaps it is because there are so many other events going on in my life that seem to be beyond my control and comprehension, too. 

First, my DH is on the verge of losing his job due.  The possibility of him coming home one night saying, “Honey, I got the pink slip today!” (I’m not sure if lay-off notices are pink or not!) is something I dread?  Also, he works off-site so he has been gone for the last two weeks.  For many (myself included at times) would think that having a spouse/significant other deployed for several weeks at a time would be a welcome break and it has been, but I miss him – a lot.  I miss the routine one has when another depends on you. 

Also, I have been taking care of my 11 year old niece.  This has been harder on me then I expected. Since we never had children, I don’t have the experience of seeing a child from infancy through maturity so now I have this little girl who wants to be a teenager.  Obviously, her world that of 11 year olds is much different than mine (middle aged world) and her experiences are very different then what I experienced at that age.  I am as honest with her as I can be, but sometimes I wonder if maybe I am too honest in answering her questions.  I have nothing to compare this too, nor do I know of anyone to ask.

I would also like to go back to work, but previous employment no longer exists.  So I would like to go back to school in an entirely different field but I wonder if me, at this middle aged part of my life, could really do something else?  Do I have the energy to compete with 20 year olds?  Gee, I sure don’t look like a 20 year old!  Actually, when I was twenties I didn’t even look my age.  I have always looked older than I am – which was great when my peers wanted to buy beer! I was the gal!  But, now, not such a good thing!

Do I have the tenacity to go back to school learn something new and pursue a different path?  What about DH?  I haven’t spoken to him about it because I am not sure what to say or how to say it.  And, how am I going to pay for all this?  Education is expensive – yes, I know, ignorance is even more expensive! 

Right now, I am a bit confused? Wondering what to do?  Maybe this is all just the Friday ‘blues’?  Or, maybe it is just because yet another non-profit event is hanging over my head like a huge rain cloud and I want sunshine – not cloudy days! 

If anything I do feel better writing this all out. I wasn’t going to post this, but I thought why not?  I bet others have wondered all this, too.  So now I need to get to work . . .


One thought on “Here & Now

  1. Rochelle says:

    OMG! The pressure you are feeling is coming through your post loud and clear…I wish I could give you a hug but I’m not sure that would help, I hope that knowing that you are heard and cared for does. You are an intelligent, kind and very youthful woman. I’m holding a good thought for you.

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